Saturday, August 20, 2005

Dreaming 2

I had a strange dream last night.

I was falling asleep. In my mind, I was not asleep yet, but later, after the dream, when I woke up and saw it was only one hour after I'd gone to bed, I realized I had been sleeping. During the dream, I didn't realize I was dreaming.

Here's the dream I had:
I was lying in my bed, here in this apartment where I am living, in the period just after going to bed while you are waiting to fall asleep. I was lying on my right side, as I usually do. With my right arm under the pillow that my head was on, as it usually is. With my left arm around another pillow and my left hand tucked under my chin, as they usually are. Lying on the right side of the bed, as I usually do. Wearing the nightshirt I usually wear.

Things started turning strange, making me feel troubled and disturbed. I noticed I had put a finger in my mouth to suck on. (But, I thought in my dream, I don't do that! ... or do I and I didn't know??? ... could there be something like that about myself I never knew??)

Then, my ex was in bed with me. He didn't do anything, but he was there. And as the moments passed, he moved closer to me, not to "do" anything, just to be close and to be in contact with me in sleep. But, I didn't want him there! I pushed him away. He moved back. I pushed him away again, saying "leave me alone". He moved back. I continued protesting, more insistently.

Then, in my dream, I got up and walked out of my bedroom. Things had changed in my apartment. Little things... my table was "the same" but items were in disarray. Other objects in the apartment were either missing or had been moved. This was disturbing ... how had those items moved? ... how could things have been changed without my having been aware of it happening? ... who changed those things??

Then, feeling strange -- disquieted and disturbed -- I woke up.
It took some moments to realize that all of that had been a dream. In the midst of it, I thought I was awake. I'd *felt* awake the whole time.

I'm trying to figure out what this dream means, what the symbolism is trying to tell me.

Missing the intimacy and touch of a partner is a typical theme of mine. But do I really not want that? Would I reject it if it was offered to me?

Or ... did my ex, in the dream, represent a failed partnership, a bad decision in choice of partners.

Maybe I'm scared (still scared) I'll make another bad choice. That I'll end up with a messed up and disturbed life, again. That I'm afraid of the possibilities of conflict, fighting, and unhappiness.

I thought I was over those things ...

In fact, I am over them. I understand love. I understand possession and how to avoid it. I understand control and how to give it up. And I know how to give myself now, without giving *up* myself.


"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who only dream by night."

Edgar Allan Poe, 1917

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Rain, rain come again

It rained today ... !

It teased me a little on Monday, but the shower was so short, barely enough to get anything wet.

This afternoon it was a nice warm rain but with a coolness in its center, after a long spell of hot and dry. Uncountable moist drops drenching this parched space.

I went out on my balcony and stepped into the water falling from the clouds ... agua de las nubes, ya no en las nubes ...

I saw the droplets bead on my arms. I closed my eyes, and felt them strike my head, dampen my hair, moisten my cheeks.

What a feeling, what sensations ... so much of my world is in my head, not less real by being fueled by virtual interactions and written conversations and imagination, but still in my *head* ... without touch and smell, without the intense subtleties that the imagination can only reproduce as shadows.

In today's rain, I was given a little sip ... a small taste ... but now! now that I see how thirsty I've been, I want a full glass.

Friday, August 12, 2005

Tag you're it

Ok, not really. I mean I tagged1 myself, so it doesn't count.

Nevertheless, I ended up here through some vagarity of my site logs, and the guy was bold enough to put this Q&A in conjunction with his resume. He invited people to copy and use, and so, I did.

Do You have..

... Not really. In high school, my friends called me Saj (from my initials - pronounced "sadge"). Lately, I'm occasionally called Sarita.

... I've had 3 cats and 2 dogs in the past (none simultaneously), but now, no. Oops... almost forgot the little lizard George, but he's not really a pet.

... 2005 MCS PW/B (Mini Cooper S, pepper white with black top and trim)

... No (you don't want to get me started)

... No, but I'm enjoying watching a co-worker's son grow up, and hearing the tales of the son of my best friend.

... Occasional deep loneliness, but I do my best to ignore it.

... There's a line that separates reality from fantasy, but it's an imaginary line.

What is your..

... Some variety of intercultural paganistic gnostic-flavored awe with the mysteries of the universe

... Liberal.

... Hair, eyes, and an infectious risa explosiva2 (yes, that's physical ... think lungs, vocal chords, brain)

... The extra pounds I can't seem to lose.

... Empathy, intelligence, honesty.

... Social insecurity, expecting perfection from myself, self-indulgence.

... Maliciousness.

... Violence.

Right now..

... At home.

... Entertaining myself.

... "Chilanga Banda" by Café Tacvba

... CNN, but I'm not paying attention.

... San Jose, CA in November.

... This one work project that's gonna be a bitch.

... "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell.

... Water.


... My cosmic soul brother David.

... Honest, intelligent, irreverent people.

... well, "despise" is pretty harsh, but I avoid, or at least am wary of, anyone who is dishonest, manipulative, or just plain mean.

... Absurdity in the form of inexpected, delightful synchronicity tinged with a little of the surreal.

... My dad. Just to see what might have happened if he'd lived.

... The me I see in my head (as opposed to the me I see in the mirror). Just to see if there's actually a difference.

... umm ... is there broadband there yet?

... I don't think I had one.

Who or what was the last..

... "Batman Begins"

... currently reading: "Aztec Autumn" by Gary Jennings; last completed: "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"

... "All Said + Done" by Dios Malos

... My ex (since I'm sure this question was intended as "kissed in some romantic way"). Otherwise, my mom

... Polo Jasso

... Someone at work

... like, in paper? the student newspaper at the university where I work. Online: The Washington Post

... An idiotic management decision at work

... A sudden, olifactory memory of something I may never smell again first hand

... yikes. That would be Marco Antonio Solís and Joan Sebasti´n a year ago. But I'm seeing Santana and Robert Plant at the beginning of October.

... umm ... can't remember

How many..

... define "lover"

... hoo boy, depends on how you count them. Let's just say I've been at it for 34 years (excluding the babysitting)

... Spider bite on my right shin

... none. not even fake ones

... earlobes, twice (each)

... don't drink much. an occasional beer or glass of wine. or, depending on the company, something with tequila

... CDs. a couple hundred. DVDs a couple dozen (I've started late). But I still have some LPs, cassette tapes, and VHS tapes.

... Let's just say, if I had bookshelves in the form of the "normal" ones you might buy, they would be my biggest investment outside of my car and electronic devices

Have you ever..

... define "illegal" =)

... nope

... why bother, if you're not a masochist?

... nope. but I know a vampire =)

... yep. but not often enough nor for a long enough period of time

... yes, but only in my mind (so far)

... yes, amazingly enough

... so many times, I don't think it'd survive another one

... as far as I know, no, although there might have been one that was bruised a little

... no

... no. that implies there is sufficient income and assets to make fiddling worthwhile

... I've thought so, several times. But, in reality, just once.

... Used to be, almost all the time. Now, it's been so long, I'm not sure I remember how

... Nope.

What is the best..

... Toe rings

... My Mini Cooper

... Find out I'll have enough money to retire when I want to

... Sarah, I love you, please stay.

... Three times in the past 32 years friends have thrown me a great birthday party. I still don't fully understand why they did it, but I'm forever grateful.

... The month I spent traveling in August 1978


... Dairy Queen soft-serve ice cream

... The Beatles; most anything recorded in the 1960s and 1970s (pre-disco); prog of various sorts; the Mexican, Argentinian and Brasilian rock David's introduced me to; the regional Mexican I hear on the radio (how's that for eclectic)

... "Annie Hall", "Y Tu Mam´ También", "El Callejón de los Milagros", "The Matrix"

... Charles de Lint, Tanya Huff, "Sarum" by Edward Rutherfurd

... San Francisco

... I almost never watch TV anymore, even if the TV is turned on

... I'm not really a gamer. But I played Zork way back in ancient times, and I enjoy imagining worlds in Sims/Sims 2

... Marshall Field's in Chicago, Fry's in south Arlington

... Bear's Place in Bloomington, Indiana

1 -- Tagging is when a blogger posts some questionaire like this and then names you as someone to blog about it next.

2 -- A "risa explosiva" is a big, sudden, explosive laugh

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Control-freak-ism 2: Flirting

Since mid-January, I've been driving this Mini Cooper S that I absolutely love. It's cute, it's fun, and it drives REALLY well.

In fact, late April, I took a trip and while I was at my destination I rented a car. They gave me a Toyota Corolla, which was fine. After all, I drove a Corolla wagon for 14 years, and then a Nissan Sentra for another 9. Man, that Corolla felt like it was floating all over the road, and I really appreciated how my MCS handles.

Then, a coworker got a Scion, and hybrids are popular topics of conversation these days. And I got curious. I went shopping for other cars .. and NOT Mini Coopers.

I got complacent, you know?

I was already used to my Mini.

I took it for granted. I got interested in looking around, asking myself "maybe there's something else out there"

And so, I went out and flirted a little. Nothing serious. Not even a visit to a car lot after the dealership had closed. Let alone a chat with a salesman or a test drive.

Just a little mental wandering ... looking around a little.

BUT .. because I looked, I found out that everything I want in my car, I already have in my Mini. And everything I wanted in the car buying experience, I got when I bought my Mini from Moritz.

AND I realized those things ... realized them actively ... ONLY because I went out looking.

So, ladies and gentlemen, don't get so worried if that special person in your life flirts a little. Chances are, he/she will only discover anew that YOU are the one they really want after all. And now they'll know it for real, not just because they remember knowing it from when you two got together in the first place.

On being a control freak

I'm going to reprint today's "horoscope" from Michael Lutin's web site
-- the daily fix section. I'm not linking to that section since, by the time you read this, what I'm going to quote will probably be gone. That's also why I'm reprinting it here.

No going on about how astrology is a bunch of hooey. Of course it is. But that's not to say there's nothing to learn there. It's like flipping a coin to make a decision -- it's not an act of giving up the decision, it's a gut-check to see how you feel about the "chance" decision the coin made. So, it's not that Jupiter has any control over anybody's life, or that the placement of stars vis-a-vis the geographic and chronologic event of your birth has anything to do with your personality. It's a way to ponder symbolism and archetype and make sense of the metaphors in your existence.

Ok, here's Michael Lutin's words for today:
It's difficult to be totally realistic and practical and keep your feet on the ground, especially when you want, crave, need and hope for a big break to help you change your life, lift you up, provide you with the kick and the push and the momentum you think you need.

So naturally you're likely to imbue a person, place or thing with powers he, she, or it can't possibly have in the hopes that this is the big one. this is what you've been waiting for.

Obviously, then, when people or opportunities turn out to be fatally flawed or just plain human, or in some way don't live up to your fantasies, hopes, dreams, wishes, and expectations, it's a letdown.

On the other hand, if you go into everything thinking it's not going to work out, then sooner or later you're going to make it so.

People have to be accepted for the human beings they are and as long as you keep your own life and don't give away all your power and put all your energy into fixing somebody who can't or won't be fixed, you'll be fine.
See, the challenge for the person who has to control everything is that they are setting themselves up for failure.

Worse, when they find these "failings" (which aren't really failings... they are just the things no one can control nor should expect to control), they have to decide ... "should I stay or should I go".

If they stay, despite the "failings" ... then they are saying that they deserve and accept failure. And it's a quick ride to misery to think that.

If they leave, because of the "failings" ... the are admitting that they were beaten by those failings (and, deep in their hearts they sense the truth ... that they're leaving something valuable behind, something they didn't HAVE to leave).

The only answer is ... LET IT BE.

Things will be as they are. You have to accept them, and let yourself see the joy and beauty and truth in them. Of course, turn and run from malicious destructiveness. Be wary of misguided maliciousness (the kind that comes when people are scared and insecure).

When you're a control freak, it's because you WANT things to turn out well.

The trick is, though, they don't turn out well unless you can let things go.

Just because you "let" things go their own way, doesn't mean they'll leave you forever. In fact, WHEN you let go, you'll find they stay around, if they were worth staying with in the first place.

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