:: Saturday, August 20, 2005 ::
I had a strange dream last night.
I was falling asleep. In my mind, I was not asleep yet, but later, after the dream, when I woke up and saw it was only one hour after I'd gone to bed, I realized I had been sleeping. During the dream, I didn't realize I was dreaming.
Here's the dream I had:
I was lying in my bed, here in this apartment where I am living, in the period just after going to bed while you are waiting to fall asleep. I was lying on my right side, as I usually do. With my right arm under the pillow that my head was on, as it usually is. With my left arm around another pillow and my left hand tucked under my chin, as they usually are. Lying on the right side of the bed, as I usually do. Wearing the nightshirt I usually wear. It took some moments to realize that all of that had been a dream. In the midst of it, I thought I was awake. I'd *felt* awake the whole time.
Things started turning strange, making me feel troubled and disturbed. I noticed I had put a finger in my mouth to suck on. (But, I thought in my dream, I don't do that! ... or do I and I didn't know??? ... could there be something like that about myself I never knew??)
Then, my ex was in bed with me. He didn't do anything, but he was there. And as the moments passed, he moved closer to me, not to "do" anything, just to be close and to be in contact with me in sleep. But, I didn't want him there! I pushed him away. He moved back. I pushed him away again, saying "leave me alone". He moved back. I continued protesting, more insistently.
Then, in my dream, I got up and walked out of my bedroom. Things had changed in my apartment. Little things... my table was "the same" but items were in disarray. Other objects in the apartment were either missing or had been moved. This was disturbing ... how had those items moved? ... how could things have been changed without my having been aware of it happening? ... who changed those things??
Then, feeling strange -- disquieted and disturbed -- I woke up.
I'm trying to figure out what this dream means, what the symbolism is trying to tell me.
Missing the intimacy and touch of a partner is a typical theme of mine. But do I really not want that? Would I reject it if it was offered to me?
Or ... did my ex, in the dream, represent a failed partnership, a bad decision in choice of partners.
Maybe I'm scared (still scared) I'll make another bad choice. That I'll end up with a messed up and disturbed life, again. That I'm afraid of the possibilities of conflict, fighting, and unhappiness.
I thought I was over those things ...
In fact, I am over them. I understand love. I understand possession and how to avoid it. I understand control and how to give it up. And I know how to give myself now, without giving *up* myself.