:: Wednesday, June 22, 2005 ::
Las Trampas del Amor
La trampa del amor by Los Kjarkas
Siempre he buscado en la vida
un amor muy diferente
que comience en cualquier día
y se acabe con la muerte
El amor es una trampa
como la flor de retama
no para con sus promesas
hasta llevarte a su cama
No des vueltas al asunto
escucha mejor amigo
es mejor andar soltero
que casado y sin dinero
El amor había juntado
al lobo con las ovejas
se comío a las jovencitas
despreciando a las mas viejas
El amor que había buscado
quien diría que mi suerte
me ha dejado mal parado
solo triste y desolado
But I'm going to talk about tricks of love of a different sort.
They say when you love someone, you'll give them anything. But that is not always true.
Sometimes, giving is a trick, a device by which you strive to ensure that love will be given to you for you to take. I know, because I used to do that.
When Bryan and I were breaking up, I was ... shocked, dismayed when I learned that he'd said that he believed I'd never loved him, that I wasn't capable of loving him. How could he say that, I thought! After all I'd done! All I'd put up with! His moods, all my walking on eggshells in an attempt to avoid saying something wrong (I couldn't even offer to help with carrying a large heavy object, or it would be taken as an accusation of his inadequacy). All the ways I'd submerged aspects of my personality in an attempt to be who he wanted. Ignoring the gun that I'd seen under the passenger seat of his car. Bailing him out of jail, for christ's sake.
After he left, I cried for 2 months. But even in my tears, I realized that I wasn't crying for the loss of Bryan... I was crying for the loss of the possibility of receiving love.
And I can see now that he was right. I did not love him. Even, maybe at that time, I was not capable of loving him. Maybe not anyone.
I can see now that my goal then was not to love someone, but to have someone give me love.
As a result, I couldn't see that my own giving was not appropriate ... love is not a barter system by which you can exact a pound of affection in return for a pound of loyalty.
But also, in that time, I was unable to see that in the name of that pound of loyalty, I was also sacrificing whole masses of myself. Not until it was all over, did I realize that I no longer could answer the questions: Who am I? What pleases *me*? What do I want? What will fulfil my destiny? What *is* my destiny?
Then I met my friend David, and as our friendship grew, I found myself sharing and giving, and after a while, I realized that I was not doing those things with thoughts of "what's in this for me?" In fact, as events in his life progressed, I found that the advice and support I gave could easily be to my "detriment" ... that is, if my thought was "what's in this for me?" then I could not have given it.
What does one do in that situation? Casting it in terms of "what's in this for me", oddly (for me, given my history), never rose to my mind. The only question was, what is the right thing to do? What can help a good person through difficult times? What can help a good person find his own happiness?
All this even went to its logical conclusion, and, sort of to my surprise, I realized that I could do the right thing ... I could do what it took to show my honor and respect and love for this person. Sure, it hurt, a LOT, but the hurt was different this time.
And, as it turned out, the friendship did not have to be sacrificed.
Nevertheless, I found out that I could have done it. If necessary.
I won't pretend that I'm not much happier that it did not have to be sacrificed. But I could have.
But, more than this, I have realized, again, as I have known in other situations, things are not always what they seem. Someone can give ... even give a lot ... but it is not always giving out of love.
Given with no thought of getting something back. That's the trick of (false) love: tricking someone into loving you by giving them something... by tricking them into a position where they give you what you want.
The other kind of trick is being able to tell the difference between being given real love and being tricked into a position of giving someone what they want.
I'm not sure yet if I'd be able to tell the difference. But I'm pretty sure it comes down to honesty.